Sample 1 Original
My favorite quote from Roth is: “Like families, campus cultures are different, but all should promote a basic sense of inclusion and respect that enables students to learn and grow – to be open to ideas and perspectives so that the differences they encounter are educational.”
Sample 1 Revised
“Like families, campus cultures are different, but all should promote a basic sense of inclusion and respect that enables students to learn and grow – to be open to ideas and perspectives so that the differences they encounter are educational.” (Roth) Roth shows his understanding of a basic sense of safety, but also how students and young people need to be exposed to the things around them. Students need to be able to grow from their experiences, whether they are good or bad, and be educated about the issues around them.
This improves my writing because it takes out the unnecessary “My favorite quote from Roth is,” and gives more of an explanation to why I chose this quote in general.
Sample 2 Original
In this reading, Lukianoff and Haidt give examples of what Dweck calls a fixed mindset. Dweck says that these people “..run from the error. They don’t engage with it.” In “The Coddling of the American Mind,” the authors talk about the ‘solutions’ to the fixed mindset people.
Sample 2 Revised
Lukianoff and Haidt give examples of what Dweck calls a fixed mindset, saying that these people “run from the error. [and] They don’t engage with it.” In Lukianoff and Hiadt talk about the ‘solutions’ to these people with fixed mindsets.
This improves my writing because it joins the two sentences together to make one strong statement instead of two weaker ones. The quote is now in between the sentence instead of in an awkward spot in between.
